From Water Birth Dreams to a Cesarean Reality: Griffin’s Birth Story
By: Tara Szilagyi
2:45am- I woke up to my frequent nightly pee urge. I got up out of the bed, and before I could even make it to the bathroom, I felt a large gush of fluid release from my body. I knew that at nearly 40 weeks pregnant, this was likely my water breaking. I made my way to the bathroom to clean myself up. On my way back to bed, I felt another large release of fluid. At this point, I decided I should wake up Chris and let him know what was going on. I was not experiencing contractions or any other signs of labor. So, I decided to lay back down to get some more rest and see if there was any progression in a few hours.
3am- The moment I sat down on the bed, I felt the first contraction. Throughout my third trimester, I frequently experienced Braxton-hicks. However, this was something much stronger and uncomfortable. I watched the clock over the next hour. The contractions were consistently 15 mins apart and lasting for around a minute. At this point, it was uncomfortable enough that I could not lay in bed any longer. I woke Chris again to let him know I was definitely in labor. He sent a text to our doula, Niama, to let her know what was going on. Even though I knew it could be hours before we needed to leave for the birth center, we decided to contact the on-call midwife to also let them know I was in labor. Of course, she let us know it was just the beginning and we should just continue to labor at home and let them know when things have progressed closer to “active” labor.
5am- The contractions were becoming much stronger. They were now 12 minutes apart but lasted around 90 seconds. Throughout my pregnancy, I researched several techniques to help cope with labor pain. The first I decided to try was the exercise ball. I swayed back and forth in figure eights for a few contractions and found no relief. I remembered a midwife mentioning sitting backwards on the toilet and resting my head on the tank with a pillow may help. While this was better than the ball, it still was not what I needed. Chris rubbed my back for a short period of time before I decided to give a hot shower a try. THIS was the holy grail of pain management. I rested my head against a ledge in the shower and let the water hit my back while Chris kept track of my contractions with a timer.
7am- labor was progressing so quickly that within two hours, they were already 6-7 minutes apart. There was not a steady decline like I thought there would be. It was an immediate jump from 10 minutes apart to 6 minutes, and still lasting around 90 seconds. I let Chris know things were progressing quickly and we needed to get the car packed and leave as soon as possible. While Chris was packing the car, I decided to get out of the shower. I had been in there so long the water was no longer hot and I was feeling the need to sit down. Shortly after I sat down on the floor, Chris came to let me know it was time to leave. I began to question myself if I was overreacting. I had only been experiencing contractions for a total of 4 hours and they had become so intense walking and speaking was nearly impossible. For a moment I started to doubt myself. Was I going to be able to handle this? What if we arrive and I’m hardly dilated, and they tell me to go home?
8am- We pulled out of the driveway right before 8am. It was a Wednesday, and we were headed towards midtown Atlanta. At this point, the pain had picked up and the contractions were coming even closer together. Sitting upright in the car was causing me even more discomfort than I had felt thus far, and I was beginning to grow nauseous. I closed my eyes until we pulled onto the highway. When I opened them, there was backed up traffic for as far as I could see. I told myself to keep calm and I closed my eyes again. What happened next was the most striking experience of my labor. Truly, I can only describe it as an out of body experience (I would later find out, I was likely in transition). Every sound around me became muffled and I sort of felt like I was in a dream. I think this may have just been my body/mind’s way of coping with the pain.
9am- I finally opened my eyes and could see tall buildings. I knew we were only minutes from the birth center at this point. Once we arrived, a midwife met us at the door. Once we got into triage, she began to monitor the baby's heart rate and tested to make sure my water had indeed broken. My baby was thriving, and she confirmed the broken water. Next, she asked to check my dilation. Her eyes widened, “You’re 9.5 cm, almost a 10.” Finally! I found comfort knowing the pain was warranted. I could now see the light at the end of the tunnel and my inner voice gave me my confidence back. She let me know that someone was working on preparing a room for me and we could move out of triage as soon as it was ready. Within minutes, I felt an intense urge to push. The midwife told me to listen to my body and I should push. I was kind of stunned. I was supposed to have a water birth, but my baby might be born in triage? I listened to her and when I felt the next contraction, I started to push. This relieved me of the pain, and I grew excited knowing I was going to meet my baby soon! However, this is when things started to go sideways. Baby’s heart rate was dropping every time I pushed. We stopped for a few contractions to assess his heart rate. After it recovered, we tried several different positions, but unfortunately his heart rate continued to drop during pushes. My midwife assured me that the baby was fine when I wasn’t pushing, but that she felt it would be best for me to transfer to a hospital for additional monitoring. I began to cry. I had gone from an emotional high to a low in a matter of minutes. Even though there wasn’t necessarily an emergency, because the baby had regained a consistent healthy heart rate, we were still transferred by ambulance to Grady Memorial Hospital.
10am- The ambulance ride was somewhat of a blur. The contractions were around 2-3 minutes apart, becoming more intense with each one. Once we arrived at the hospital, I was taken to a labor and delivery room. A nurse set everything up to monitor both me and the baby while we waited for my midwife and doula. Shortly after Anna (my midwife) arrived and we discussed how I wanted to proceed. She assured me that since we had given it some time, we should try pushing again as the baby's position may have changed, and we were set up to intervene if the baby's heart rate dropped and did not recover quickly. I felt confident in this choice. Even though it was not going to be the water birth I had planned for, it would still be a natural, unmedicated birth with my midwife.
1pm- After an hour and a half of consistent pushing, my midwife suggested we take a break for her to check my progress. We assumed that after all this pushing, we must be getting close or at least making good progress. I was wrong. I could see it in her face before she even spoke. We had nearly made no progress. At this point, I had been fully dilated for nearly 4 hours and the contractions had grown so intense, it felt impossible to find relief. I looked to Anna for guidance. However, she informed me that with the little progress made, we likely had hours of pushing left. My heart sank. I was so tired, and my body ached from pushing. Physically, I didn’t think I could continue to push. This was the most intense exhaustion I had ever experienced. I knew if I wanted to safely keep pushing, I needed to be able to rest and regain strength. Chris and I discussed the option of an epidural and against my previous hopes of an unmedicated birth, we let Anna know to call the anesthesiologist. I felt so discouraged, but at this point it had become more important for me to try everything I could to deliver my baby vaginally like I had so strongly hoped for.
4pm- The epidural allowed me to rest for around 45 minutes before we started pushing again. The rest helped me regain my confidence and I was ready to do whatever I had to do to meet my baby. We proceeded to push for another hour and a half. Again, we had made very little progress. The options were beginning to become more limited. Anna suggested a small dose of pitocin may help make the progress we needed. Shortly after starting the pitocin, my contractions became increasingly more intense. I started pushing again and after only a few contractions, we quickly decided the pitocin was only making the situation worse. I knew at this point we were nearly out of options and one of my worst fears was about to become a grim reality.
5pm- After a long and thorough conversation with the midwife and Grady doctors, Chris and I decided to call it and proceed with a c-section. Everyone reassured me that the baby was doing great and I should try to relax while they prepped for surgery. But I couldn't relax. I began to shake and cry because I felt so defeated. It felt like I had spent months training for a marathon, only to trip inches from the finish line. I sat in disbelief for nearly 2 hours before the nurses wheeled me to the operating room. I felt shame knowing that I was about to become part of a statistic I had so desperately tried to avoid.
9:16pm- Griffin Hugh Szilagyi entered the world at a whopping 9lb, 22.5 inches long and perfectly healthy. Shortly after Chris and I had a few minutes with Griffin, we were informed that his face up positioning was likely the cause of him not being able to progress through the birth canal.
Our stay at the hospital was only 2 days and went routinely from there on.
I spent the next several months dissociating. What I thought would be the most beautifully life changing experience, only filled me with disappointment, anger, and embarrassment. Most days I felt like I was grieving even though I had the most perfect baby boy I could have ever asked for. I sat in these feelings alone because I felt guilty for mourning the loss of the birth experience I wanted when some women don't come home with their baby, or can't get pregnant at all. The connection I thought my motherly instinct would immediately give me took months to set in. When breastfeeding got hard or nights got long, I felt like I wasn't allowed to complain or struggle because I couldn't show up for my baby when he needed me most during his birth. I didn't feel like a "real mom" or like I had "given birth" to my son.
While I know none of this is true, it has taken almost a year to write my birth story and mourn the loss of the birth experience I thought I would have. Griffin is the greatest gift I have ever received and I am so grateful to be his mom. I hope my story allows for other moms experiencing the same "loss" to feel seen and know that your feelings are valid.
